Counselling - self-esteem

EVERYONE wants to feel good about themselves... so why is this feeling so elusive?

ANDREA KITT has some answers


THE world of advertising is constantly clamouring in our ears, offering us everything from perfumes and foods, armchairs and chainsaws, to relationships and holidays - all for our personal comfort, satisfaction and pleasure. So can comfort, satisfaction and pleasure make us feel good about ourselves?

Or, failing that, how much can we benefit from all the extra pieces of advice that we receive when we dare complain that we are struggling: advice to change our attitude, alter our thoughts, repeat positive statements and take positive actions?

In my experience, these things can help to a point, but sometimes to a very limited point. In fact, sometimes they can rub salt in the wound, for if, as is usually the case with deep and chronic self-doubt, the way we feel about ourselves stems from the messages and impressions we received very early in life, then the, “Cheer up... put on a brave face... do something different” techniques, when they inevitably fail, only serve to reaffirm the sense we have had all along that we are incurable, unreachable, alone in our wretchedness, and in our heart of hearts so very ashamed of not being able to enjoy life like everyone else.

There are those, of course, who say that too much self-esteem is a dangerous thing. Saddam Hussein has loads of it, for example. And what about that woman at work whom you avoid like the plague because she is so full-of-herself? How come confidence can make people so insensitive to others?

It can take years to realise that if you are in the company of someone who is truly happy, rather than trying to compensate for an inner insecurity by proving how bold she is to everyone else, then there will be no sense of being pushed away: you will feel as comfortable with her as she is with herself.

Of course, we have varying degrees of confidence and lack-of-confidence in different areas of life, but what I am talking about here is the sort of crippling self-doubt that undermines your experience of who you are.

Mind you, some people don’t even get this far (as in Saddam Hussein and the woman at work). Any badness, wrongness... it is all very definitely ‘out there’ in other people and must be destroyed, or strongly disapproved of, depending on how far you are prepared to go. So even acknowledging the fact that the problem is yours is a big step. But again, this can initially make you feel even worse, and long for the blissful ignorance of blaming everyone else.

However, there is a reason for the way we feel. And it is not that we are intrinsically bad or flawed. It’s just that long ago we became very frightened, and in order to survive in a frightening environment (whether it intended to be frightening or not is neither here nor there: this is the way we experienced it); in order to survive, physically and emotionally, we adapted ourselves in some very clever ways. The parts of us that were dangerous to express, we shut off and kept safely locked away... We became what we had to become in order to fit in to that environment. And though it served us well at the time, a few decades down the road the strain of living this limited life can become unbearable. So, we survived, but what about living? What ever happened to the joie-de-vivre?

Now I hear voices saying, “But we've heard all this before too... Go back to your childhood, churn over the same old stories and make yourself even more miserable than before...” And this saddens me, because unfortunately it can sometimes be like that... possibly because the individual dare not do more than churn over old stories, but more often because nobody involved knows that there is any more they can do. And even telling the stories can sometimes be new and important. But to discover the feelings behind the stories, and explore and express and find more feelings where those came from, different layers of pain and joy, despair and playfulness... that is when real changes begin to happen, because we begin to feel more alive, and the feeling of being alive in our body, mind and soul brings us the fulfillment we have been seeking.

If you are reading this article with interest, if you feel an eagerness to move forward, grow out of old patterns of thought and behaviour, find a more positive way of being, then you are ready for this: the adult that you have become is strong enough to support you as you explore the more hidden and difficult parts of your self. It is now that, with the guidance of an experienced therapist, you can learn to respect the whole of who you are, and to be compassionate as you acknowledge all the struggles you have been through.

‘Reality’ is a strange thing. We tend to walk around convinced that the way we see things is the way it is, yet if we look closely we see that our perception changes from moment to moment, certainly from day to day. And the shift in perception that can result from getting to know ourselves better can be quite dramatic. Suddenly the whole world seems a friendlier place, our worst situations are not nearly so threatening, and above all we are not nearly as alone as we imagined - there are other people out there, and perhaps now we will allow them to come that little bit closer.

So in a nutshell, my experience is that the secret of self-esteem lies not in trying to do or be anything different, but in coming to know myself, because believe it or not, who I really am is loveable and interesting and fun... and uniquely me. And the single most helpful tool in discovering who I am has been in-depth Humanistic Psychotherapy, in which I am now trained, qualified and accredited. And, naturally, I want to share with others that which has been of most benefit to me.

I have here barely touched on an enormous subject, and each person’s situation is different, so perhaps now is the time to find a counsellor...



WANT TO KNOW MORE?
ANDREA KITT is an accredited psychotherapeutic counsellor based in Totnes. She also has a broad range of experience in humanistic and transpersonal psychotherapy, including advanced training in group facilitation and Gestalt. Call her on 01803 812561.